Woodworking 101

Holy crap, people — I did something HANDY.

Doorknobs come in a standard size: They are made to fit holes with a 2 1/8″ diameter. The hole in my daughter’s bedroom door was, inexplicably, just 2″. It needed to be expanded by an eighth of an inch before the new doorknob could be installed. Here’s how you do that:

– Put off job for, oh, six months or so. Why do this in warm weather when you can do it when it’s freezing?

– Go to Lowe’s. Buy a “hole saw” of the proper diameter. It fits into your power drill like a standard bit.

– Get home. Plug in drill. Geeeennntly place the drill with the hole saw over the too-small hole in your daughter’s door. Turn on drill. Scratch the holy hell out of the door when the drill jumps all around. Turn off drill.

– Watch a YouTube video about how to use a hole saw.

– Go back to Lowe’s. Buy the safety goggles you probably should have had the first time around, as well as some clamps and a piece of scrap plywood.

– Take drill and plywood outside. Play with extension cords for a stupid amount of time until you realize that there are TWO extension cords on the porch, and the one that is plugged into the outlet is not the same as the one plugged into your drill.

– Drill part of a hole in the plywood before the hole saw comes flying off the drill. Reattach the hole saw and adjust the drill so that it is no longer in reverse. Drill rest of the hole in the plywood.

– Clamp plywood to daughter’s door so that the hole entirely encompasses the too-small hole in the door. Put an insufficient amount of newspaper under the door to catch sawdust. Have daughter hold door very steady.

– Using hole in plywood as a guide, drill hole in door.

– This happens so smoothly and so fast that surely something must have gone wrong.

– But no! Wife installs doorknob in about 90 seconds. Works perfectly!

– Ignore scratches in door for rest of life.

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