Mar 292008

Sometimes it’s best to quit while you’re ahead, as this bizarre story makes clear. To summarize:

1) Mugger attempts to rob Victim with a sawed-off shotgun.

2) Victim pulls out his own weapon and takes shotgun from Mugger. Victim’s weapon turns out to be fake.

3) Victim, who we’ll keep calling Victim even though he has turned the tables, robs the Mugger, and forces the Mugger to strip naked.

4) Victim marches Mugger into a nearby building and proceeds to beat him with the butt of the sawed-off shotgun.

5) When you are beating someone with the butt of a sawed-off shotgun, where do you suppose the barrel is pointed?

6) Victim accidentally shoots and kills self.

Remember, kids, as we learned in shop class, every tool has its purpose. Don’t pry nails out of wood with a screwdriver, and don’t use a sawed-off shotgun as a club. It’s just common sense.

Mar 282008

It’s downright embarrassing to have Steppenwolf’s “Born to be Wild” start up just as I’m backing my Honda Civic out of my suburban driveway in order to putt-putt the couple of miles to the corporate park where I’ll be staring at Excel spreadsheets all day.

Mar 272008

Megan McCardle redefines “scathing” as she takes a look at Skinny Bitch:

Imagine distilling all the self-righteous moralism of a yuppie eco-tourist who voted for Nader, twice, and only eats hemp. Now add all the hectoring nannyism of the nutritionists who write those “Liver and lima beans: your forgotten friends” pamphlets from the US Department of Agriculture. Toss in generous lashings of the exhibitionist ignorance of self-styled health food experts–the ones who promise that if you can just find the right combination of vitamin supplements, you will live forever, and also, marry Brad Pitt. Then find the three meanest girls from your local high school and extract multiple doses of the unprovoked venom they direct towards the fattest girl in the class. Combine all these ingredients in a large bowl, making sure that you haven’t accidentally included any shreds of a soul.

Finally — and this is the tricky part — remove the shallow, glossy exterior of one fashion journalist or music publicist. You must be very careful, because as you probably know, this gossamer layer is only one atom thick. Pour the other ingredients into that casing and cook in a pressure cooker set on “high” for five to ten years. Then eat it. When your digestive system has finished processing that dyspeptic concoction, the final product will closely resemble this book.

Mar 272008

Tuned in to very local public radio yesterday, I found myself listening to a diatribe against pornography by a Women’s Studies professor at some nearby college. It was soon clear that her definition of that word had been extended to include, for instance, Victoria’s Secret commercials.

At one point she talked about Jessica Simpson, and she said sadly, “Every generation has its dumb blonde. In my day, it was Meg Ryan.”

Wha? Maybe if you have a Doctorate in Feminism, you can see the bright line connecting Meg Ryan and Jessica Simpson, but the rest of us are going to require some sort of explanation. Ryan, in her heyday, was a cuddly lightweight of an actress, more than adequate and sometimes quite good in comic roles. Simpson is… {shudder}

I have no doubt that Meg Ryan’s looks helped get her somewhere in the movie biz — you can’t say she’s ugly — but she was never a bombshell and didn’t care to be. She also had some acting chops to back up her blonde hair. Having made a name for herself, she was not dependent on her sexuality to propel her along. What has Jessica Simpson accomplished that she still would have accomplished if she didn’t have big boobs? She is the definition of American vacuity. At least Pamela Anderson (the name the professor should have said) had a sense of humor that let you know she was in on the joke. Jessica doesn’t even have that. She’s just a brain-dead blank in a bikini. Comparing her to Meg Ryan is an insult to actresses who happen to be blonde.

Maybe the professor really, really hated the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally.